Check Mate
by Mochacha
Summary: Kirk is the proud captain of the U.S.S Enterprise and Spock is his First Officer... no matter how much Kirk might want that to change.
1. 1 Tribble

Oh how I love Star Trek so much! So let's get this thing started! (Oh and I'm pretty sure it says 'elevator' instead of 'turbolift' somewhere in here... sorry about that n And of course, characters are not mine! They are (c) to the wonderful Roddenberry! (J.J. Abram's Style btw)

-------------------

Kirk was _pissed._

But why? Why should he have been mad, infuriated even, with the happy couple exchanging small talk over lunch. Even their silence seemed lovely, the two intellectual individuals just basking in each other's company and picking at their lunches in the mess hall. Really, there was no reason that the Captain should have even been paying attention to them. Just like there was no reason for the Captain to be getting angry. Just like there was no reason behind the Captain when he stood up from his own, uneaten lunch, not an uncommon sight as of late. There really was no reason for the Captain to stalk across the mess hall and grab the man from the lovely dark-skinned woman he was having lunch with. And there was _absolutely_ no reason for the Captain to drag the pointy eared man away from the mess hall in general.

Of course, Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise never needed reason for his actions, he just _did_. As the Captain and First Officer made their way into an empty hallway Kirk released Spock. He didn't face his First though; instead he chose to keep his back to the man as he stared at the ground, anger apparent in his rigid stance.

"We need to talk." The words were harsh.

"Indeed we do." Spock said with a raise of his eyebrow, "Would you mind explaining your reasoning behind disturbing my lunch with Nyota, Captain?"

No reply. Spock gave his black stare to the back of Kirk's head as he awaited a response from his fuming Captain.

One minute.

Two…

Three…

Four.

"Jim." Kirk's voice sounded unsteady, Spock concluded, more than likely from him trying to control his rage.

"Captain?" Spock asked, watching his Captain's fist clench and unclench at his side, back still turned. Then Kirk decided to turn to face Spock. But Spock was not greeted by a face red from anger and frustration.

Clear blue eyes sparkled with tears welling up under a furrowed brow. The shaky voice came out like a whimpered plea.

"You used to call me Jim."

--

_Rewind_

--

"_Please. Allow me, it will be easier-"_

"_Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?"_

"_Our minds, one and together."_

That was the beginning. That was the whole fucking reason for this, Kirk was sure of it. If it hadn't been for that damn mind meld then maybe Kirk wouldn't be like this. Maybe he wouldn't be staring at his First Officer with an ache in his heart. Maybe this black hole in the pit of his stomach would stop trying to suck him in. Maybe he wouldn't be fighting back the unbearable urge to curl up and cry right there on the bridge. But Kirk would never know, because there had been a mind meld, and something had leaked into his mind. Something he was sure would rip him into shreds soon.

_--_

_Fast Forward_

_--_

"Captain."

"Yes, Mr. Spock?" Kirk swirled in his chair to see his First Officer walk up, hands clasp behind his back. They were a few months into their first five-year mission and, so far, no one had been choked over a control consol. Kirk figured the two of them were getting along just fine on professional terms.

"I was curious as to whether or not you would be interested in joining me for a game of chess tonight after our shift."

Kirk snorted.

"You want _me_ to play you in a game of chess?!" and he was laughing a loud and booming laugh, "What makes you think that _I_ can play chess or would even _want_ to?!" Kirk just couldn't seem to control his laughter. Spock stood unmoving from his rigid stance, waiting for his Captain to control himself before speaking again. As Kirk's laughter died down Spock decided it was time to give his rebuttal.

"Captain, I merely gave the suggestion under the assumption that you did indeed know how to play. Seeing as the game is one of strategy and command, it was logical to assume that Starfleet's youngest Captain in history would be a master of the game. I was certain that you would _at least_, as you human's say, have a 'knack' for it." Spock finished his statement with, what Kirk swears was, a smirk. The challenge had been made, and Kirk would be damned if he wasn't going to bite.

"You know Mr. Spock, to assume is to make an _ass_ out of _you_ and _me_." Kirk smirked at his witty response, fully aware of the bridge eaves-dropping on their conversation.

"A very clever play on words, Captain, but I see that your quick retorts stay confined to only those that allow you to swear. I would like to make my Captain aware that in times of diplomatic situation, this blatant show of lack of vocabulary is most unbecoming in a Starfleet Officer." A snicker could be heard coming from Chekov only to be punched in an attempt to silence from Sulu. Kirk was left opened mouthed at the metaphorical slap in the face he had just received. And then he was pissed of. His bright blues stared hard into Spock's deep brown and he suddenly thrust out to point at Spock.

"You. Me. My quarters. 20:00 hours."

"Aye, Captain." Spock said as he turned to walk back to his station. Kirk swiveled back around in his chair to face Spock's retreating figure.

"Oh, and Mr. Spock?" Spock stopped and turned to face Kirk.

"Yes, Captain?"

"I am going to own your ass."

"Of course, Captain."

_--_

_Fast Forward: 20:00 Hours_

_--_

This was ridiculous. Kirk groaned into his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. He had not only been beaten by Spock once, or twice, but five times. Five times where Spock _didn't even have to use more than five moves_ before dominating Kirk on the board.

"Check mate." Spock said for the sixth time.

"Bullshit." Kirk stated as he stared down at his slain king. This was insane, how had he even thought for a_ second _that this game would be a breeze? It was obvious that _something_ had to be done, the score couldn't just be left like this, six to zilch. No, that was unacceptable, unthinkable, _not going to happen._ Kirk leaned over the chess board as stared hard at his First.

"Captain, I'm positive that with more practice you will be able to last more than a few moves." The damn bastard was rubbing it in.

"Oh, I'm sure. So you're going to be playing against me every night until I beat you."

"Captain, I highly doubt that will be advisable, the likely-hood that we will have enough time for a repeat of tonight's match every night until your victory is only—"

"That's an order Mr. Spock." What could almost be considered a smirk played on Spock's lips as a full blown one graced Kirk's.

"Of course, Captain."

_--_

_Fast Forward: Later that night_

_--_

As Jim laid in his bed, slipping into sleep, his mind wandered to his game with Spock. The old man had been right—go figure—he and Spock were becoming friends. Chess, what an odd form of way to express friendship… His mind wandered back to how Spock had looked playing, he had seemed to have everything planned out moves ahead of what was actually on the board. His brow would furrow as Kirk made an exceptionally illogical move and his arm would move over the board. Baby blue uniform shirt, leading up to the smug look on his face, and his—hold it.

Kirk's eye's snapped open as he sat up in bed. What the hell was _that_? Jim's mind must have been wandering a little too much, because he was pretty sure that he had just imagined Spock ten years older than he actually was, and his uniform a little brighter than it was supposed to be. Gazing at the clock and giving a small internal groan at the time, he had to be up in three hours for his shift. He snuggled under the covers in an attempt to get more comfortable as he drifted off into deep sleep.

_--_

_Fast Forward: Asleep_

_--_

_The sound of the bagpipes being played filled the room of people. His chest felt heavy and he felt his breaths come out labored. It felt as though just the simple act of breathing had become a conscious act, like his body didn't want to work, like it had just given up. Kirk felt his lips move and his voice form words in a strangled sentence._

"_Of all the souls I have encountered... his was the most—human."_

_Now it was his heart that gave out. He felt it break—no—he felt it crush. It was as though his heart had stopped beating. That black casket moved slowly, the glossy sheen to it reflected the lights and faces of all those gathered, but Kirk could see nothing, because the one face he wanted to see most he never would. His heart felt as though it had become a black hole threatening to collapse him from the inside out with its intense mass._

_--_

_Fast Forward: Awaken_

_--_

Kirk woke as the pain tore through his very core. His breathing came out long and raged as he looked around his room sitting up. His eyes burned and everything was blurry from the tears that filled his eyes and spilled over to soak his face. The pain was still there, and he had to keep his heart going. Jim's arms wrapped around himself, holding his heart together, holding himself together, as he rocked back and forth in small motions. A sob ripped through him and he began to cry. His alarm went off for him to wake up and start getting ready for shift, but he could not hear it over the ringing in his ears and the sobs that were ripped from his chest.

"_Forgive me, emotional transference is an effect of the mind meld."_

_--_

_Fast Forward: Shift_

_--_

Kirk stood in the turbolift as it went to the bridge. His eyes had purple bruises under them and his eyes were red. He was late for his shift and he knew it, his alarm hadn't been noticed until Kirk had calmed down enough to notice its blaring. By then it was too late for him _not_ to be completely late. After a shower Jim had felt calm enough to write off the lingering nightmare, completely oblivious to anything other than the ghost feeling it left in his chest. As the door opened to the bridge, Kirk walked to his chair with swift apologies and requests for status reports.

"Captain."

"Yes, Mr. Spock?" Kirk asked from his chair, too tired to turn and look his First in the eyes.

"Might I suggest you go visit sickbay? You seem unwell." At this, Kirk found the strength to turn to Spock and give his most suggestive smile.

"Oh common Mr. Spock, it's just a little lack of sleep. I'm sure you understand that it happens. Sometimes, something just keeps you up all night." Kirk wiggled his eyebrows at the Vulcan in a playful manner as a few snickers were heard around the bridge and Spock's eyebrow reached his hairline.

"I'll trust your word on it, Captain." Another snicker could be heard from Chekov, followed by an 'ouch!' as Sulu landed a particularly hard kick to his shin.

Kirk swirled his chair back to face forward as he gave some coordinates to Sulu. His smile faded as he stared forward, a pang ran through his heart and he winced.

What was happening to him?

_--_

_Fast Forward: After shift_

_--_

Jim made his was to the elevator and was joined by Spock.

"Captain, I should advise you get more sleep tonight and that we do not carry out our chess match." Kirk looked quickly to Spock's stoic face.

"What? Why is that Mr. Spock? I do not see how canceling our plans will be of any benefit to my sleep."

"On the contrary, Captain, cancelling our plans will give you the extra time you need to get sufficient sleep for tomorrow."

"No," Jim said defiantly, "we will continue our match tonight as planned and I will hear no more argument against it." Spock stared into Kirk's reddened eyes set in slightly purple lids and sighed.

"Of course, Captain."

_--_

_Fast Forward: Chess_

_--_

"Check mate." Spock said as he tipped over Jim's king.

"Bullshit." Kirk said through half-lidded eyes. He was tired, but he'd be damned if he was going to go back on his goal to beat Spock at this damned game. Spock looked up at Kirk, as he began to gather the pieced and organize them back in their places.

"Captain, I believe it would be best if we retire for the night." Kirk looked up at Spock.

"No, I'm fine, and we only played one game! Can't we at least go for best two out of three?" Kirk was pleading with his First Officer and he wasn't quite sure why. It wasn't that he particularly loved chess, he just didn't want to see Spock off so soon.

"That would not be wise, Captain. Now if you'll excuse me—" Spock stood up and went to leave. Jim's hand reached out and grabbed Spock's forearm.

"No!" Spock turned to stare at where Jim was holding him and Jim promptly let go.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm not sure what that—I think you're right, I need sleep…" Spock gave Kirk an incredulous look before turning and making his exit.

"Sleep well, Captain." Spock said and walked out.

"Jim." Kirk practically whispered to the closed door. He turned and walked towards his bed, getting in and attempting to sleep. Soon enough his mind went blank.

_--_

_Fast Forward: Asleep_

_--_

"_Spock." Jim heard himself say as he felt warm arms surround him._

"_What is it Th'y'la?" He felt the warmth radiate into his very core, he felt loved._

"_Nothing." Jim finally said after a minute of silence and he snuggled into the inhuman warmth. He let out a sigh of contentment and sheer happiness and fulfillment as Spock held him closer and mumbled into his hair._

"_Illogical."_

_--_

_Fast Forward: Awake_

_--_

This time when Kirk woke up, he wasn't crumbling. Instead, he was radiant, he felt so content in the few moments after he awoken just basking in the warmth and love that he had had in his dream.

His dream. A pang went through his heart for a moment as he realized that the love he had felt in the dream was not real and it hurt. It really hurt.

Jim's alarm went off as he just stared at the flashing red numbers in the dark.

_--_

_Fast Forward: Lunch_

_--_

"You look like hell Jim." McCoy said to Jim at lunch in the mess hall.

"Huh." Jim said as he picked at his barely eaten meal.

"Jim, what's wrong? And don't try to bullshit me with a dumbass answer. You can't bullshit a bullshitter." Kirk gazed up at Bones from his lunch, flashing him a smile.

"Don't worry about me, Bones, I'm okay. Honest." McCoy gave a frown and took a bite of his food.

'_Jim, what's gotten into you?'_ McCoy's frown deepened as he thought.

_--_

_Fast Forward: Months Later_

_--_

The dreams and the nightmares persisted every night for Kirk. He would wake in the morning before his alarm to whatever emotion his subconscious decided he needed and would then go to his shift were he would sit tired and lifeless in his chair fulfilling his duties with little to no enthusiasm. What was worse was the constant flashbacks he'd slip into while day dreaming on bridge. He had begun avoiding eating his meals with Bones, actually he had been avoiding him altogether, because he knew his friend would notice his poor condition. He knew McCoy would notice his lack of food, he knew McCoy would notice how his clothes hung off his body, he knew his friend would try to do something about it, but most of all, he knew his friend would worry about him.

After lunch, Kirk would spend some time in his quarters signing PADDS that needed reviewing and approval. Then, Spock would come over to his quarters and they would play chess until Spock would say something about him needing sleep and would then promptly leave. Kirk would then try to sleep and only manage to get another dream.

It was an exhausting process, but tonight was the night that Kirk was certain that he would defeat Spock at a chess game. Over the months he had been quickly improving. Turns out that he really did have a 'knack' for the game. Jim filled out a final chart as Spock entered his quarters, board in hand and they took their seats as Spock set the game up.

_--_

_Fast Forward: A Little Later_

_--_

"Hey Spock. Check-fucking-mate." Jim triumphantly moved his knight and viciously knocked Spock's king over. Spock looked over to him with a raised eyebrow.

"Indeed. Well done, Captain." Spock began picking up the pieces and Jim knew that he would start leaving soon.

'_I don't want that.' _Jim thought to himself as he reached out and grabbed Spock's hand as his hovered over a bishop. Spock's entire frame froze, from his head to his shoulders, to his fingers, nothing moved. Jim pulled back in shock from the suddenly unresponsive Vulcan. "I'm sorry." Kirk apologized and Spock resumed cleaning up.

"Perhaps I should take my leave." Spock looked to Kirk as Kirk looked up wide-eyed to him.

"No." Jim whispered.

"Captain?"

"No!" Jim said and he reached across the chess table to firmly grab Spock's shoulders, pulling them close enough to each other to where their foreheads bumped together and their noses touched. "No." Jim breathed, his breath mingling with Spock's. Spock's breath hitched as Kirk leaned in and closed the distance between their lips. Jim moved his lips around Spock's unresponsive one's almost desperately, begging him to respond with needy kisses. And then…

And then Spock pushed Jim away, knocking over the chess board and pieces. They clattered on the floor as Spock stared at his Captain. And stared… and stared.

Then Spock walked out of the room, leaving an equally shocked Jim on the floor surrounded by chess pieces. The door closed behind Spock and Jim was left to his thoughts. Or rather, the one thought that dominated his mind at that time.

'_Fuck._' Jim felt a hard pang tear his heart as he realized the rejection. He felt his heart shred itself as he realized that he was not loved like he was in his dreams. No, in his reality, Spock did not love him.

Spock did not love Jim.

Spock did not love Jim.

Spock did not love Jim.

Jim curled into a small form on the floor as the hot tears streamed down his face and met the cold floor. He reached out and grabbed the black king, Spock's king, and pulled it into his chest. He was going to fall apart again, his arms gripped around himself to keep himself together the only way he knew how.

_--_

_Fast Forward_

_--_

"You used to call me Jim." The tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he stared at the floor. He could feel the gaze of his First Officer boring into him. And then he said _it._

"No, Captain." Jim whipped his head up to meet Spock's cold eyes.

"W-what?"

"I have never referred to you by anything other than your title of 'Captain' throughout the duration of our professional relationship." Spock's rigid figure loomed over Kirk as he just gazed into the emotionless eyes of his First searching for…something.

But he was met with nothing. Nothing at all. There was no emotion in the Vulcan's eyes, nothing at all. Jim couldn't read Spock, and he couldn't understand why.

"Captain, I'm going to escort you to medical bay. You are in need of medical help." Spock grabbed Kirk roughly by the upper arm and began to pull him towards medical bay.

"NO!" Kirk struggled in vain, trying to pry the fingers from his arm. His weakened muscles, from lack of proper nutrition and sleep, gave out without much struggle as Kirk refused to give in, despite his failing muscles. "Let me _GO!_" Kirk yelled and his eyes burned from his tears. Spock said nothing as he continued to drag his Captain through the halls. "Spock! Stop right now! That's an order Mr. Spock!" Spock halted and to looked back to Kirk in obedience.

"Yes, Captain?" When Kirk didn't respond he continued to drag Kirk to medical bay.

"NO, STOP! Stop! ...please…" Kirk pounded his fist against Spock's arm crying until they reached medical bay. When the door's slid open to reveal Spock dragging along a sobbing Jim, McCoy jumped from his desk and ran over.

"What the _hell _is going on here?!" Spock handed Jim to McCoy. Jim clutched to McCoy's shirt and buried his head into it, continuing to sob.

"The Captain seems to be under a high level of stress due to lack of sleep Doctor. I'll leave him in your adequate care." With that, Spock turned and left. The door closed and McCoy's attention was brought down to the now whimpering Captain in his arms. As McCoy was about to utter some sarcastic phrase to rile Jim up and get him to talk, Jim took the initiative and spoke first.

"He doesn't love me, Bones… I feel like my heart's been shattered into a million pieces and all those shards are maiming me from the inside out." Kirk gave a small, sad chuckle, "You think you can fix it Doc?"

Bones gave a small smile of his own down at his broken friend. "I'm a doctor Jim, fixing things is what I do." Jim gave a small smile through his tears and next thing McCoy heard was the soft sound of his breathing. McCoy stared at his sleeping friend.

'_Damn it Jim, what have you done to yourself this time?'_

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So if you haven't figured it out yet I'm trying to make you all cry! I really wanted to make an angsty story (not sure why…). Did it work? Did you feel sad/angry/happy/nothing? I'm hoping that this will be less than ten chapters but I'm never sure about things like this. Reviews are loved! I hope you all liked it u


	2. 2 Tribbles

Chapter two hooray! It's shorter than the last chapter, but I'll make up for it… eventually. (c) to the wonderful Roddenberry! (J.J. Abram's Style btw)

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Bones stared at his computer screen with a frown on his face. It didn't matter how much work he tried to drown himself in, his thoughts kept going back to his best friend that was currently sleeping in a biobed.

"_You think you can fix it, Doc?"_

"_I'm a doctor Jim, fixing things is what I do."_

If only he really did know how to fix Jim, he knew how to heal and mend a lot of things but a broken heart was not on the list. A soft moan came from Jim as his brow furrowed and he started to toss and turn in his sleep.

"No…" Bones heard his friend say from the depths his sleep, "no…"

_--_

_Jim's Dream_

_--_

"_The good of the many outweighs the good of the few, or the one."_

_All Kirk could think was 'No, not him. Please God, not him.' But there in front of him was his friend, his brother, his lover, dying. The glass, that damned glass, was all that kept him from holding him. Spock's hand touched the glass, his body leaning into it, getting as close to his lover as he could. Kirk tried to feel Spock's heat through the glass, but as he touched where his lover's hand was, all he felt was cold. Spock's body crumpled as his hand slid down the glass._

'_No!'_

_--_

_Awake_

_--_

"NO!!" Kirk sat straight up in the bed in medical bay, sweat accumulating on his forehead. He saw McCoy run to him and start to check his state. Jim's eyes caught McCoy's and held for a second until the dream set in and Jim's eyes began to leak.

"Jim! What's wrong?" Bones was met with a look that broke his heart.

"For a second I was so relieved that it was just a dream… and then I remembered… I remembered… reality." Kirk looked down at his hands. "I don't know what hurts more right now, Bones. The feeling of losing him forever, or the knowledge that I'll never know him enough to care." Bones frowned as he failed to understand the last sentence.

Kirk looked up to Bones and smiled.

"I'm just a big mess, huh?"

_--_

_Fast Forward: 2 months later_

_--_

The dreams, the dreams were really getting to Jim now, and it was obvious. The whole crew noticed how his clothes hung from his body, how sunken his face looked, and just how dim his usual enthusiasm seemed. No one would say anything to Jim but Bones, but even the good doctor could do was force sleep-educing-hypos on the poor captain. Kirk just didn't seem himself, sure he completed all his work and did his job, but that's all he did. There was no more fool-hardy ego shining through the unbearable captain, there was no more light to his person, there just wasn't…Jim. It was all Captain and everyone could see it, no matter how hard Jim tried to hide.

It went like this for weeks, with the Captain's condition not getting any better. It was like watching him slowly deteriorate into nothing. Even though he didn't know it, Jim would follow Spock's moves with unintentional longing. Of course, when he was aware of his actions he tried his hardest to ignore the First Officer and keep everything strictly business.

'_Just like it's always been._' Kirk thought to himself. He sunk into his chair a little more as he kept his eyes glued to the PADD that he was currently filling out. Shift was almost over and he viewed this fact with indifference. Days seemed to blur together anymore. As shift ended and Kirk entered the turbolift Uhura joined him. He gave little regard to her until he felt the turbolift stop. He then looked over to see that Uhura had stopped it mid-floor and was currently glaring daggers at him, ready to say something.

"Get over yourself." She said, every word dripping in venom. Jim just stared at her, coming out of his mindless-everyday-trance.

"Whu-?" He began as she cut him off.

"Just stop the pity party alright? Spock told me everything you know. After you rudely dragged him away from our lunch that day. He told me what you said to him. I knew you liked to chase skirts, but I guess I should have figured that you wouldn't just _stop_ at that." She was advancing in on him, her speech as articulate and accusing as possible, "You just don't know where to stop do you? Well, you might have everyone else worried about you with your little depression fit you're throwing, but I can see through your shit. _Captain._"

Uhura was right in Kirks face as she jabbed her finger into his chest and said, "_Stay. Away. From. Spock._" With that she started up the turbolift and promptly exited the lift, leaving a very confused and mentally upset Jim Kirk.

_--_

_Fast Forward: Next Day_

_--_

After a particularly grueling night of tossing and turning from nightmare replays of the turbolift incident with Uhura, Kirk received a message from Starfleet on their next mission. It was an outline of details to the transport of an Ambassador to the New Vulcan colony. The mission was simple, only lasting the course of a few days, so Kirk's sudden interest in the mission they had received confused the crew.

What had interested the Captain so was not the mission itself, but who the mission pertained to. The Ambassador. Ambassador Spock. Older Spock would know exactly what to tell Jim, he would be able to help with the nightmares…right? And if nothing else, he could at least explain them to Jim, maybe he could take them away so that Jim could stop feeling an ache the size of Texas every time he looked at Spock.

Spock. Uhura's threat rang through Jim mind and he stole a glance at the communication's officer sitting at her station doing her job like nothing had ever happened, like Jim had just dreamed it up. But what if he had? Would he even know? Jim let his head drop in his hand as he let out a sigh of frustration.

He wished he could just shut off his mind sometimes.

_--_

_Fast Forward: Pick up of Ambassador Spock_

_--_

"Prepare beam-up of the ambassador." Kirk commanded the ensign.

"Aye, Sir" The man replied and he moved knobs and turned switches.

Kirk stood in his best posture with Spock and McCoy with him to receive the Ambassador. Sure he knew the man, but that didn't mean that formalities were to tossed to the wind. The shimmering light of millions of particles forming the shape of the old man solidified and soon Spock Prime was standing on the transporter pad.

Kirk felt like someone punched him in the gut.

"_This simple feeling…"_

Everyone in the room watched the Captain as he fell to his knees, clutching the ground, with a loud exhale of breath. McCoy dropped to his friend's side in alarm, yelling in surprise..

"Jim! What in God's name was that?!" Spock Prime was quick to move towards the fallen Captain. Jim looked up, regaining his breath, and stood up brushing Bones away from him.

"I'm fine, really, just a stomach ache of sorts." He lied. McCoy furrowed his brow and young Spock looked… unemotional. Jim then looked to the older Spock. "Ambassador, I apologize for that, but if you would follow me, I'll gladly show you to your room." He flashed his most charming, forced, and pained smile to the Ambassador.

It was in that smile that Elder Spock realized something was gravely wrong with Jim.

"Yes of course, thank you Captain." He said as he followed the younger self of his former Captain. They walked down the long corridors until they finally found the room they were looking for. Kirk walked in and Spock Prime followed. The only sound was that of the door sliding shut.

"Captain, there is something wrong." Elder Spock stated, it was not a question. His answer was two determined, moist, blue eyes turning to meet his. This was followed by the feel of two frustrated lips meeting his. Spock's eyes widened to the feel he had lost long ago, he merely stood unresponsive as the younger man kissed him desperately with an almost tragic sense of passion. The fists that gripped at Spock's ambassador robes loosened as the kissing slowed and soon Jim was just leaving chaste kisses in between his whimpers.

"I love you—I love you—I love you—I love you—I love you—" Jim placed one last kiss to the older man's lips before breaking down into a ragged sob, gripping the robes as his salty tears ruined the fabric.

"Why don't you kiss me back?" He heaved into Spock's chest. "Can't you just love me back?" Jim pulled his head back up and tried to lay more kisses upon the older Vulcan only to have him being pushed away.

"No." Elder Spock said in a stern voice, "I cannot." Jim looked at the straight face of the man in front of him until his stinging vision turned everything into blurred colors.

"What?" His voice broke.

Elder Spock felt his heart tear, he had always hated seeing Jim depressed, but this was closing in on unbearable. The feel of this Jim's lips had been like ghosted kisses of his late lover. His mind focused in on that word, 'Ghost'. Spock felt his back straighten and his emotions begin to sort themselves out.

This was not his Jim.

"No, I cannot love you… Captain." Spock's voice was hard on the last word. Establishing very clear lines that turned into fucking brick walls that Jim just couldn't seem to see over, no matter how high he jumped.

"Don't call me that." Jim whispered.

"Captain." Spock said again with more authority.

"DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!" Kirk yelled at the unyielding Vulcan. He went to bang his fist against the man's chest, only to have his fist caught, and arm twisted behind him. "Augh!" Jim felt the Vulcan lean into his ear as he spoke.

"You are not, cannot, and _will never be_ my Jim. I apologize for what ever delusion you may be under, but it is best that you are wary of this." Spock released the sobbing Captain and watched as the younger man fell to his knees, head against the ground, arms clutched into fists. "My Jim Kirk is dead… and he is _never_ coming back." It was as though he said it out loud to verify it to himself.

Drowned by the sounds of Jim's sobbing in the quiet room, Spock's carefully guarded heart tore under the final acceptance of his Jim's death.

_--_

_Fast Forward: an hour later, Ambassador Spock's quarters_

_--_

Spock handed the sniffling Captain a mug of tea. Jim took the cup and began nursing his drink, peppermint tea—a very soothing blend. They sat in silence until Spock finally spoke up.

"I believe, that I may have caused these problems-these dreams-that you are experiencing." Kirk gave a small snort around his drink, a sad and sarcastic smile gracing his lips.

"No kiddin'?" Jim grew silent for a beat before speaking up again. "…do you think you fix me?" Spock sat for a moment pondering; he had had Kirk explain the entire situation and had come to the conclusion that it had been a nasty side effect of the mind meld.

"Yes, it should be possible—in theory—to remove these dreams—memories rather." Spock looked to the young hopeful, "and it should be safe to say that you won't remember a thing." At this last statement, Jim let his face drop.

"Wait, what do you mean that I 'won't remember a thing'?" Spock looked confused as he replied.

"I should be able to remove the past memories you have, mine and yours combined. So anything that they have caused you to feel to this point will be…as though it had never happened." Spock clarified as best he could and began to scrutinize Jim's face. "Is there something wrong?"

Kirk couldn't explain what was happening; he had thought that if Spock Prime could just remove the dreams that it would be wonderful, the best thing since sliced bread even, but now…

"I don't want you to take away this feeling." He blurted out. He looked up to see the confused face of the older Vulcan in front of him. "It's just that… I've got this feeling, it's so warm and…" Kirk gripped his hand over his heart subconsciously as he looked into Spock's eyes. "I don't want to lose it. I feel like I've never felt before, there's this love and it's like if I lose it, I'm never going to get it back… I just—" Jim felt his through close off as he choked back an oncoming sob. He hadn't realized that his eyes had been tearing up, god he was turning into such a pussy anymore.

"Captain. You must let me remove these memories you have." Spock advanced his hand towards Jim, poised for a mind meld. Kirk hit the hand away in a defensive manner.

"No." He said stubbornly.

"I must insist that you allow me to do this Captain" Spock tried again and once again Kirk hit his hands away, this time with more force.

"No!"

"Those feelings do not belong to you!" Spock raised his voice in what one could call yelling for a Vulcan. Kirk was shocked as the elder man forced him down in the chair and placed his hands against his face, attempting a forced mind meld.

"Get _off _me!" Kirk struggled, but even in his old age Spock had more brute strength than him. He kicked and moved wildly trying to free his trapped hands and remove the one offending hand on his face. "DON'T!" Kirk yelled, tears streaming down his face, as he heard the older man chant.

"My mind to your mind…"

_--_

_Fast Forward: After the meld_

_--_

Kirk blinked his eyes open as he woke up. He felt them sting with every movement. God, had he been crying? When was the last time he had actually cried? He gave a smug smirk as he failed to remember a time in his life that he had. Now to figure where he was, and if where ever it was had food—god was he hungry—when was the last time he had actually eaten? His stomach gave a loud rumble as he sat up. It was now that he finally made out his surroundings. He was in sickbay, on a biobed actually, and he watched as his friend walked over to him.

"Hi-yah Bones." Jim gave his friend a genuine, warm smile. Bones looked at his friends in surprise.

"Jim?" He asked, brow furrowed more than usual. Kirk gave him an incredulous look.

"No, fucking Paul Bunyan, who the held does it look like I am?" Kirk stated with only the heaviest of sarcasm intended before starting up again, patting his friend on the shoulder. "You got anything to eat there Bones? I feel like I haven't eaten in months!"

Needless to say, McCoy was confused as hell. First the old man came in carrying Jim, looking worse for the ware, and now Jim was back to his old self… Like the past few months really hadn't happened. Bones turned and muttered to himself as he went to get his friend some broth.

"That's because you haven't."

_--_

_Fast Forward: a couple days_

_--_

Kirk set down his bowl of broth and whined to his good doctor friend.

"Bones! I'm tired of all this soup crap! I want a meal! A big juicy steak! A _man's_ meal!" He began to drool at the concept of real food— real steamy, juicy, bleeding, saucy, meat. "Bones please!"

"No. I don't want your stomach contents all over my clean medical room just because you were too eager to ease back into eating after such a long period of going without." Kirk's face twisted in confusion.

"You keep saying that, but I don't remember not eating—hell I don't even remember having a reason to _ever_ go without a delicious meal." Bones looked at his friend in disbelief.

"You…don't remember?" Kirk looked at his friend's worried face.

"Remember what?" The doctor hesitated and Kirk grew impatient. Clapping his friend on the shoulder he said.

"Whelp, I'd love to chat Bones, but I have to get to the bridge for duty!" Bones stared after his friends retreating form. Though he was happy to see Jim with the bounce back in his step, he couldn't help but feel…. Off.

--------

So I hope you all like ch.2, I'm working on ch.3 as we speak, I know you all wanted me to give Kirk a little break… but I like my angst with a side of crying baby seals(wtf?) so I'm not sure how much of a break he'll get(don't hate me, that's just how I planned this fic to go).

Anyway, reviews are loved!!! Let me know what you thought about this chapter(or the story as a whole so far), how did it make you feel(did you tear up? Cry? I hope so!), and all that jazz!!! Much love to all who have reviewed and left their opinions so far!!!


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